THAT EMBARASSING MOMENT

I'm sure you must have witnessed this though maybe not in the same degree or manner.

You were sure it was Angela from your secondary school days. Yes, years have passed but Angela's beauty didn't pass with it. An untainted fair skin, perfectly oval face and unmistakable unique legs slightly curved inside. The only change was height which of course should have changed and then the legs are not her only curvy possession now, the waist and the 'backside' can boost of a perfect equilibrium balance for any object placed upon. You weren't much surprised anyway, Angela has always been a beauty, a diva.

So when you saw 'her' at the junction you playfully patted on her cheek from behind. And like every young lady she reflexly (or is it their usual 'forming') tightened her countenance and then gently but fiercely turned to behold that 'shamelessly' bold persona who her pulchritudinal appearance couldn't translate to his brains that she's quite different. You felt no uneasiness afterall her countenance will soon change to "Oh, I remember this face. Errrrrmmmmm, Philips right? Philips Ikeji?" You were 100% sure. So you folded your arms and put up that smile of 'keep guessing'.

But then she turned and the fierce countenance was still there. The eyes wide open and a face challenging you to explain for your absurdity immediately or receive the insult of your life. This time you were no longer sure it was Angela. Angela used to have a dimple but this tightened face 'Angela' had bloated cheeks. You even felt it with the patting. Besides she had cross eyes with pupil darting on all sides you can't even decipher whether she was looking at you from head to toe or from left to right. Angela didn't have strabismus so that particular difference converted your perception from being 100% sure she was Angela to being 100% of the opposite. 

But your problem now was to convince this 'Angela' that she looked like your Angela at first glance. And you have the whole strangers at the junction to convince too that you were not just a goofy man. As you uttered your first words of "I'm sorry thought you were..." She hissed, flung her hair and shifted some inches away from you. You turned to see if anyone was looking but not one, everyone was looking. Then your eyes caught the eyes of a young boy and he immediately chuckled and shook his head. There was no convincing anyone here. You buried your head in shame and pray for a distraction. The buses just wouldn't come on time. You dipped your hand into your pocket and brought out your phone. And while you were about fiddling with your phone someone beside you said something like "number please" and then the 'Angela' lady descended on you: "number what? Stupid man, watch yourself or I will disgrace you here. You can't see a lady and mind your business". (hahahahahahahahahahahahaha). You have a phone on your hands and you were still close to her and all eyes still on you. You opened your mouth in surprise but words wouldn't come out clean. The chuckling boy and his friends were now consumed in laughter. You looked at them for the last time before deciding to trek all the distance towards home. 

Enough misunderstanding and insults for a day. The phrase "sufficient for the day......." lay there in your mind waiting for you to complete

WOMEN AND LOCAL MARKET

 

On Saturday morning I was in a local market to get some foodstuffs.

Chai!!!!! Women can haggle prices eh. They negotiate on virtually every price tagged by the seller. Egusi for one De Rica, half De Rica, garri for half pent, and one pent etc.

When I got to the okporoko (stockfish) section, the seller swore to me that she had bought them for #950 but because I would be buying from her for the first time that she would give it away for just #960 last, so I can become her customer. There was no reason not to believe her or so I thought. Quickly I reached into my pocket and handed her a #1000 note with a charitable instruction to please keep the 'change'. She thanked me and added "please come back next time". I left her section and yes I did come back not next time but same time though behind her shop for I needed to buy chicken too. As I waited for my chicken to be cut into sizes, a lady approached my 'honest' stockfish seller and after a little haggling handed her a #500 note for the same type and size of stockfish I just bought. Was she selling this time below her cost price? 

I bought my chicken at whatever the cost was and left for the ice fish section (yeah, I love my egusi heavily 'animalized'). A woman just walked away with a squeeze on her face and ostensibly pursed lips from the ice fish point. An indication that the price didn't go down well with her. Then it was my turn; "madam how much?". The woman probably a mother and in her late 50s began her show: " kote #300 for the smallest size. Titus #250 last price. The cost of fishing and buying from fishermen is now high. Buhari has changed everything. Buhari e buharigo ife niile my son". I looked at her innocent face for some seconds and then asked her if I could get two kote for #500. She heaved and continued ; "my son, you don't understand. Normally I would have even given you 3 for #500 mana ochichi Buhari adabaro chaachaa (Buhari's regime just doesn't fit). The cost of keeping these fishes refrigerated is high. No light anywhere (ebekwanu ka i furu oku?)" I stepped aside not wanting to rush the ice fish buying like I did with my 'honest' stockfish seller. Light has always been a problem in Nigeria. I know Buhari hasn't gotten it right either but.... 

I left her shop and went to another seller. This time I decided to implore the help of another woman. So I approached a beautiful looking lady. Probably she just came for weekend to her fiancée's residence and needed to impress with her cooking and cost-effectiveness mastery. I pleaded with her to help me bargain for 2 kote for #500. She smiled and took the #500 from me. I waited and watched. She approached the fish seller. Picked the kote fish and looked at them as though they weren't worth her buy. Dropped them and then asked the woman something I wouldn't hear. She then shook her head and wanted to leave. The fish seller called her back. She paid and brought my 2 kote fish to me with a #100 change. My eyes opened in surprise and I recognized her: she was the lady I saw handing over #500 to my 'honest stockfish woman. 

Choi!!!!!!! With mouth agape I asked her: "How did you do that? Not even the Buhari effect could affect your price haggling method". And she replied with a tone somewhere between sarcasm and comedy: "NEVER MIND, THE FOODSTUFF MARKET IS FOR WOMEN. AIN'T YOU MARRIED YET?"
Quickly, I switched from being thankful to defensive and I replied "Are you still searching?"

She gave me a wink as she walked away albeit slowly. Whatever that wink meant, I'm really not interested in buying. She knows her prices very well. Thank God that was my last item for the day. Leaving the market, I swore never to come or stop by again.

FOODSTUFF MARKET IS OF THE WOMEN, BY THE WOMEN AND FOR THE WOMEN (BE HER YOUR WIFE, YOUR GIRLFRIEND, YOUR FIANCÉE, YOUR NEIGHBOR OR JUST A FRIEND).

NO EXCUSES

 

Seriously, we need to start taking responsibilities and stop giving mysterious excuses. 

Every misfortune has a spiritual connotation even when the unfortunate was purely careless and failed to plan?

Every accident was sent from the village? Even Ifeoma's inability to get married was tied to a spiritual husband?

Linda's inconceivability was as a result of spiritual children?

Now, this is the case of Lizzy.

She got an admission into Poly to study economics. From the outset, she had failed to study. She had sorted all her courses till final year. Just one course to graduate but Dr Okonowo is unsortable. To him, marks are earned not bought. It's been 3years now and Lizzy is still spilling over.

Her mum had confirmed that the enemies do not want their family to produce their first graduate. She had reported to her pastor who now echoed her sentiments and summoned Lizzy to come. Lizzy of course, now believed that her case is village sent.

The pastor then prayed for a breakthrough and made mama Lizzy to purchase a miracle pen for #5000. According to him, Lizzy would write spiritually and the enemies would not see her script this time around.
Of course, Lizzy wrote spiritually on the day of examination and the 'enemies' didn't see her script. She is now facing a case of a missing script. Another spillover.

Actually, the lecturer saw a script with a name and matric no on it. What he didn't see was the spiritual answers provided by Lizzy's miracle pen.

Please we should always see the hand of God in everything not the hand of the devil.

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

Food is always a sensation.

As children we had our preferences. Mostly rice and palm oil stew. Maybe because it was not easily affordable and then eaten only on Sundays. Sometimes, once in a month. I remember dad told me they ate it once in a year. 

Our mothers were good cooks too. But there were great and tasty make-shift meals that we really didn't need our mums to make.

Maybe you didn't enjoy this. But we that grew up in the suburbs had a great time enjoying nature's variety.

We called it NGWERE. A cold water mini soup. After the night meal, we normally had leftover fufu. So in the afternoon of the next day after school, while we wait for the lunch, we would all gather around the mortar. First, we would grind a little crayfish and uda (a peppery black ingredient). Then a little ogiri (castor bean) and salt. Mixed evenly with a little tepid water. Very simple!!! With the fufu shared equally, we enjoyed the peppery and hunger-pausing NGWERE.

Yam is another food that has various recipe and style. Remember the thick porridge (ji porrage); some like it hot. Some like it cold. Even some like it in the pot two days old. But there is another method too.

Those tiny yams we normally tied in our barns with our great natural artistry. Wound around a vertical stick like the molecular models of a double stranded DNA supported firmly with ropes. You don't need a pot to get the best out of these yams. Just throw them under the fire and let it be burnt slightly. Peel out the burnt back and make yourself an oily NGWERE.

Last Easter I was home and when I saw our childhood barn, with yams still tied to the different sticks I smiled and quickly took a picture of it. A picture to show my children how we planned and saved for the rainy days. A picture to show the township grown friends what they missed. A picture of my mum's artistry.
AFRICANS ARE GREAT. AFRICANS ARE RICH. AFRICANS ARE NATURAL. AND NATURE IS COOL.

MY DEAR (PASSING OUT PARADE) CORPS MEMBERS

There really used to be a passing out parade. Don't know whether it still happens.
But that's not why I write you

Congratulations on the successful completion of your service year.

Welcome to another phase of life. I know many of you will choose the 'MARKET'. That's brilliant.
But I need to explain this to you as no one did to me: THERE'S ONLY ONE MARKET in the whole world. And it is called THE LABOUR MARKET.

The LABOUR MARKET holds a lot for you if you approach it smartly. And with the help of God you will find FAVOUR in the LABOUR MARKET.

I know some people must have wished you a FAVOUR MARKET. But seriously, it doesn't exist. Just like you were taught IDEAL GAS and REAL GAS. Ideal gases have the perfect characteristics. But it doesn't exist.

So be warned lest you say nobody told me that was not going to be easy.
It is not easy but neither is it hard. It is just challenging. But challenges are not meant to deter us. They strengthen us and make us better humans.

Congratulations once more as we pray you guys find FAVOUR in the LABOUR MARKET.
About passing out parade? It was a good sight. But the NYSC CERTIFICATE makes the heart skip a beat once collected.

OUR CHILDHOOD DELICACIES

 

Food is always a sensation.

As children we had our preferences. Mostly rice and palm oil stew. Maybe because it was not easily affordable and then eaten only on Sundays. Sometimes, once in a month. I remember dad told me they ate it once in a year.

Our mothers were good cooks too. But there were great and tasty make-shift meals that we really didn't need our mums to make.

Maybe you didn't enjoy this. But we that grew up in the suburbs had a great time enjoying nature's variety.

We called it NGWERE. A cold water mini soup. After the night meal, we normally had leftover fufu. So in the afternoon of the next day after school, while we wait for the lunch, we would all gather around the mortar. First, we would grind a little crayfish and uda (a peppery black ingredient). Then a little ogiri (castor bean) and salt. Mixed evenly with a little tepid water. Very simple!!! With the fufu shared equally, we enjoyed the peppery and hunger-pausing NGWERE.

Yam is another food that has various recipe and style. Remember the thick porridge (ji porrage); some like it hot. Some like it cold. Even some like it in the pot two days old. But there is another method too.

Those tiny yams we normally tied in our barns with our great natural artistry. Wound around a vertical stick like the molecular models of a double stranded DNA supported firmly with ropes. You don't need a pot to get the best out of these yams. Just throw them under the fire and let it be burnt slightly. Peel out the burnt back and make yourself an oily NGWERE.

Last Easter I was home and when I saw our childhood barn, with yams still tied to the different sticks I smiled and quickly took a picture of it. A picture to show my children how we planned and saved for the rainy days. A picture to show the township grown friends what they missed. A picture of my mum's artistry.

AFRICANS ARE GREAT. AFRICANS ARE RICH. AFRICANS ARE NATURAL. AND NATURE IS COOL.

DO YOU LOVE ME?

 

Love is and will always remain the greatest virtue of all.

Love of oneself is great. But I wouldn't go with late Whitney Houston that Love of self is the greatest. 

I'd rather go with Jesus the Nazarene who said that "Greater love hath no man, that one would lay down his life for his friends".

So Love is better when shared. Love is better when given to others.

But everyone wants an assurance of LOVE. Even when they know that you love them. They still need you to say it. Say it. Not once. Not twice. Maybe thrice in an occasion.

Everyone needs an assurance of Love.

Even God Himself.

So Jesus asked Peter; "Peter, do you love me?". 

Peter understood that it was His ghost, so maybe He needed to be reminded so he answered; "Yes, I do. 

Jesus asked him again;" Peter son of John, do you love me?"

Peter must have made a silent 'hmmmm' sound before saying; "Yes Lord". 

Jesus then asked again; Peter, son of John, do you love me?".

Peter must have thought to himself "maybe all these questions are coming because I denied him three times before the cock crowed". 

But he knew that they have gotten over that. So Peter replied; "Lord, you know every every. You know that I LOVE YOU". 

Assurance of Love mostly comes when one wants to hand over that which is most precious to him to another. Jesus the Christ wanted to hand over His cherished flock to Simon Peter. So He needed him to confirm his ability to feed and tend them while He is gone.

So, when a lady wants to give you her heart, all of it, she usually demands and will continue to demand for a sustained assurance of love.

LOVE REMAINS THE GREATEST. Don't expect it from cheap persons anyway. But always give LOVE. Always show LOVE even to the cheap. 

Love's so cheap it doesn't cost a thing. But the cheap are so blinded it can cost them a world of happiness.

‪#‎love‬.itisallthatmatters#

MY TICKET DON TEAR

 

I bet what most of you guys know about football yesterday is that Barcelona won Athletico Madrid (2 -1) and Bayern Munich beat Benefic (1-0). But that was not all.

I subscribe to DSTV premium monthly chiefly because of sports (football and lawn tennis) and then the news (note the order).

My friend loves coming around very well for the same love of the game. We would argue the goals and the bookings.

But things have changed since the turn of this new year. Yes CHANGE; Dollar rate has changed. Fuel price has changed. Presidential travels and tours have increased, queue in the filling stations has increased (the no 1 cause of traffic now in many states).

I'm not writing this because DSTV subscription rates have changed too. No, I write because my DSTV premium subscription is no longer enough for my friend. My friend has CHANGED. His love for football has increased. Football for him is no longer just a game.

 Barcelona won Athletico Madrid: correct prediction

Bayern won Benfica: correct prediction

Stevenage draw with Yeovil town: correct prediction

The match between Oldham Atlectic and swindon town was his ticket tearer.

Though Swindon were away, he had predicted that they would muster a draw.
According to him, the point for such prediction was high and the odds were high too.
So while we watched the UEFA champions League, my friend was also busy with his phone for the Oldham Atlectic match. At about 82mins, Barca was still pressing for their third goal when my friend shouted in frustration. I thought I had missed something (Maybe a second yellow card for Suarez Cos he truly deserved a red card yesterday).

"what happened?" I quizzed

My friend then explained

" C Main just scored the second goal for Oldham Atlectic making with 2-0. No way back for Swindon"
YET ANOTHER TICKET TORN!!!!!!!!!

This morning I dashed into the chapel on my way to work for a quick prayer ( I really don't know how to make it long). Guess what I saw?
A man with hands fully spread out. Two knees on the ground. Two eyes shut. And mouth moving and probably speaking in tongues . In front of him lay some papers.
This man might be applying for VISA. Then I looked closely and it was BET9JA ticket.
Madrid vs Wolfsburg. PSG vs Man city. Of course you know that's not all. Al Halil will also be playing Al jazira.

There's another CHANGE in town. Whether the significant increase in SPORTS BETTING came before BUHARI or vice versa is still up for analysis.

But I bet you. It's not as complicated as the chicken and the egg question.