VILLAGE NOSTALGIA

 
This is the penultimate day of 2016.

I have not written nor read for days now. I have been bitter and I refuse to be consoled. Everything outside is turning rancid, sour.

Here I write to you with tears threatening to trickle down by cheeks. This is my first Christmas and plausible new year to be spent away from my hometown, away from our densely forested village.
All the years of my life, I have always travelled during this festive period and holidays. For the best part of our childhood and adolescence, Dad made 23rd December memorable. The day will move to the villa. Even as a corper serving in the farthest Northwestern part of country- SOKOTO, I still dared the almost 48hrs highway journey to be with my family at Christmas.

I have been in Lagos for about 5yrs now, and I have celebrated all my Christmasses in our villa. But this year I couldn't. Business schedule made it extremely impossible. Most of our consignments conspired and chose ETAs a day before and some days after Christmas.
I knew what I was missing in the villa. I tried not to think about them but Arinze made sure I had to mourn them.

Yesterday he called

"Hello, Benoooo, how far? Which side you dey? We dey T-junction with Ofodile, Nzube and Ik."
I replied him that I was taking care of some business in Lagos. Instead of ending the call he started singing praises to Nwanyi Eke Bush meat and palm joint spot located in our famous T-junction.
"Benoooo, you dey miss oooo. How can you miss out on this year's delicious bush meats? Freshly killed and hung adjacent to each other with blood still trickling down from them. We just pointed at one now and in few minutes we will be taking sweet bites off the anu nchi and sweeping down our oesophagus with freshly tapped palmwine as the transporter."

I wanted to say ENOUGH but his words came out faster than mine: "Mecus Mecus came back from Malaysia on 27th. Yesterday we went to Villa Park in Nnewi with some of his friends. Their barbecue and fish peppersoup were to natural. The fish scented and tasted naturally different from all these Lagos chemically-fed fishes."

He continued: " Omo come see babes from different cities sparkling and waiting to be 'hello'd'."

Quickly I cut in and told him I was married. What babes?!!!!

He apologized and asked after madam. Then continued: " Ehe, Stan is getting married on 31st, we were be there live in Awka-etiti. January 2nd I will be in Uga for Ostia Turkey's trad. Then on the 4th we will be heading to Aguata, that small Kingsley that left villa two years ago for Japan will be opening his Duplex. He will also be doing the funeral ceremony of his father that died 10yrs ago.
I said: no wahala. Enjoy.

Then he said: "please could you please go over to my street. Go to my house and check whether I locked the fuel tap of my generator se."

I ended the call before I could hear the "t" in set.

Christmas is best celebrated in your hometown.

Photo credit: www.mywanderlist.com

THE TRANSITION

We have created so many demarcation. Naturally the heavens halved it into DAY and NIGHT. The transition from Day to Night and vice versa is made clear by the Sunlight.

Then we took charge and started to dominate. Monday has all the same attributes of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. And then on Friday, we psychologically TGIF. Same attributes of the other days except that more green bottles will be emptied, dancing and then other activities based on agreements.

Sunday presents the same attributes save that some 'Men' would have more customers and they would offer unsupervised services.

And so from whatever calculation we arrived at 365(+1) to make one year. So after 12 months we jump into another year. Man is wonderful.

We've made the world interesting and no one is revolting. We believe that today is 22nd of December whereas 22nd of December of the previous year was chilling with cold breeze blowing trees and dusts around ans about.

Then by 12:00 midnight on December 31st we will psychologically be moved into the next year. Same old January will come (though this time with expectations of unfreezing), Same old February and the likes.
But then same old 'men' of God will come to prophesy to you (No, rather you go to them) that 2017 will be your year of FINANCIAL UPLIFTMENT without offering you any business advice to save your present predicament and you will shout an Amen louder than that of a banger (knock out). Yet you tell your children not to blow bangers.

Another tells you that 2017 will be your year of DOUBLE PORTION without telling you who will be starving because you ate their own portion.

Yet another promises you a year of UNMERITED FAVOUR and you selfishly accept to steal someone's merit.

2017 will be your year of BREAKTHROUGH , but please don't go into 2017 with the same equipment so blunt and old fashioned it hindered your breakthrough all through the past years.

And again, don't go looking for DOUBLE PORTION. Be content with your own portion.

photo credit: theolympiantimes.com

DIOSCOREA SPP

In those days, we stole yams from the school barn and we were impunitive about it. Yam came up second among the list of foodstuffs stolen from the pantry section of our school. You know the first. Hunger has a metabolic pathway that always produces survival instincts. 

Our school had two campuses. One for the junior secondary and the other for the seniors. So it was announced that there would be a merger. We were crest-fallen. Junior students are not to be 'trusted'. They easily tell the truth and are easily made to say it VERBATIM with testimonies detailed with who said what, when and where. But we can do nothing about the merger. 

We were merged and things changed. But hunger didn't. So we had to continue the yam theft. But this time we became botanical about it. Dioscorea spp be it rotundata or cayenensis kept disappearing from the school barn. We had enormous help from the school farmer in charge of the barn. So the stealing went on unnoticed.

Until one day, the junior students were taught botanical names of some plants in Agriculture. They were ecstatic about the laugh-provoking names; Carica papaya, Zea may, Oryza sativa, Musa paradisca and Musa sapientum. They went about and around singing the botanical names. But because they have heard us constantly using the word Dioscorea they shouted euphorically whenever they got to it.

For the next one week, they made all sorts of jokes using dioscorea spp. We knew the code has been cracked. We knew the game was ending. But hunger was still there. So we changed strategy, we continued yam theft. But this time, we were discrete about it; " Guy, how far you get am?" Once your colleague doesn't name what he was talking about, then he was talking about Yam, dioscorea rotundata or cayenensis.
#manmustwack#

photo credit:http://www.rfpp.ethz.ch/fellowships/concluded_fellowships/amf_yam

UNIFORMED TOUTS

 

I thought TuPac is dead????

Owo mi da (where is my money)? is easily the most asked question in Lagos mainland. Popular amongst bus conductors and Omo Onile (landowners' sons).

The bus conductors deserve a payment for their services. But please who is owing the Landowners' sons (Omo Onile)????

Bus drivers, tricycle and motorcycle riders pay different kinds of levies for permits to ply the road yet there is this one that must be collected by glorified touts on the highways and byways. In the byways they mount roadblocks. On the highways they are allowed to carry weapons to threaten and sometimes hit non-complying bus conductors and okada riders.
So this morning, our bus driver and conductor decided not to comply. All attempts from the Omo Onile to collect their illegal fare was resisted by Dayo our bus conductor.

Uniformed Omo Onile: Owo mi da?

Dayo: who dey owe you moni? 

Uniformed Omo Onile: Aaarrrh. you wan try??

Dayo: Try wetin?

Other uniformed touts: Leave am, Tu Pac don dey come. Make him settle with Tu Pac.

The mention of the name Tu Pac got my attention. I have always been a huge fan of Tu Pac. His Dear Mama and Ghetto gospel always strike a chord in me whenever it is being played. After his death, it was rumored that he would resurrect. Maybe he did resurrect after all? I was curious. Thank God we were stuck in a traffic, so I will get to see him. But what's he doing here in Lagos and as a leader of Omo Onile. Anyway Tupac has always loved the ghetto life and he was a West coast rapper and Lagos is on the West too. It all made sense to me at once.

A tall lanky man with a hairless skull then appeared in front of our bus conductor. His "kilode" was too thick and deep-sounding that a doctor will quickly diagnosed a chain smoker, alcoholic and one who is 12 times as likely to develop a lung cancer. What has resurrection from the dead done to 'Tupac' I muttered. Dayo our bus conductor immediately brought out his fare of #100 and tried handing it over to 'Tupac'. A dirty slap landed on his cheek before 'Tupac' instructed one of his boys to collect the fare.

Our driver didn't talk again. Dayo didn't even utter another word in defiance. I kept pondering on the personality of 'Tupac'. The passengers maintained utmost silence. The fear of 'Tupac' is the beginning of ghetto wisdom.

Lagos state please take away miscreants from our roads. There are civilized ways of doing things in a Centre of Excellence.

photo credit: oexnews.com

COMMERCIAL CHURCH

 

Why do people keep signing these cheques? 

And when the postdated cheque is due for cashing, they discover it was a dud cheque. Nobody to be held responsible for they signed it themselves. 

The church is not a bank or a commercial office where cheques are signed, sealed and probably cashed. It is a place where sins are forgiven and souls made pure for eternal salvation. You don't go to church looking for money. Money is in the banks and in the streets. 

Let's reduce our gullibility. You go to a 'church' and you are asked to sign a postdated cheque with faith. Then you are cajoled into contributing a part of the unclaimed money into the pastor's coffers. On the day of cashing, the cheque turns out dud and you still don't read the scam?

Faith is not stupidity my dear. Stop impoverishing your family while enriching another's. Is it not incredible that your pastors move around with 2017 bullet-proof cars and then minister to you that with the church's stickers on your doors and cars, no weapon formed against you shall prosper? Is not rather shameful that your son hawks gala by the roadside yet you contribute to the building of schools which your son and probably his sons might not be able to afford?

Thank God Christ came before our time. Imagine if we are still anticipating His nativity.. Many of these today's pastors would have proclaimed themselves the MESSIAH. John the Baptist resisted the urge but our present day pastors would have grabbed the opportunity. Then we would have many 'Christs', many 'ways', many 'truths' and definitely NO LIVES.

FOR GOD SO LOVE THE. WORLD THAT HE CAME AT THE RIGHT TIME. THAT THE PASTORS OF TODAY CAN DECEIVE ONLY THOSE WHO CHOOSE TO BE DECEIVED.

photo credit: www.dreamstime.com

KEEP FIGHTING GOOD

DEAR READER,
Welcome to the most celebrated season of the year. A season everyone celebrates. For Christians, the joy of Christmas engulfs them. For others, the ending of a year and the great anticipation of a new year is quite thrilling.

From January to December you have fought a good fight.

First, you made so many resolutions with a great determination to see them through. A week after, you gave in. Then you re-resolved but this time it lasted only two days. You relapsed. But that is not weakness, the joy of Xmas and the hopeful anticipation of a virgin year are quite intoxicating.

But throughout the year, you have fought a good fight.

In the cold, in the rain and under the scorching heat of our tropical sun you labored for bread. In some days, you got a full loaf, some days paid you with half loaf. In some you got a few slice. Some rueful days offered no slice in return for your labor. In fact, some days even demanded some slices from you. However, you labored on.

The economy went into recession and you had to re-strategize. Your favorite carbohydrate increase by 100% in cost. Tomato prices tripled and meat became a diet for the rich. Iya Ibeji's food reduced significantly in size and you had to pay the same amount for this 'half chop'. Worst still, the company you worked for downsized and you were among the workers laid off. Jobless and your landlord gave you a quit notice. At least you had another three months before you exit his house. But Ginika was just wicked. A girl you have dated for 3yrs and made sure she lacked nothing just left you without a quit notice. George just came back from London and by next week according to the invitation which you read on Facebook: GINIKA WEDS GEORGE. RSVP. Your life's shattered.

Disappointments abound but you have survived till this day, this December.

You are a warrior and a survivor. Defeated on some grounds but you have recovered well and achieved De' Feat. Ride on bro. Step by step you will keep improving. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. And even if the light cometh from a train, board the train and your next stop will be that the table of success.

Please don't try to impress another Ginika this December. There is a perfect lady for you soon and her name is not even Ginika. Concentrate on your own farm and harvest your produce. Don't attempt to steal or make use of another's cucumber. It can lead to blackmail, jungle justice and injustice.
Living till this moment is enough achievement. Do not listen to Curtis Jackson (50 Cent) who asked you to GET RICH OR DIE TRYING. There's no honour in being on the deathrow. There's no sympathy in Asia for drug trafficking.

Have the best of the season. It is a season of giving. Give and you shall be given.
Thank you